Tommy's Tales: Grandpa Goes Mobile

Despite his health trouble and need for an oxygen tank, Grandpa did his best to travel somewhere each and every day. He had a few key spots that he would venture to, including the local convenience store, the grocery store, the gas station, and the bank. While we were very supportive of his desire to keep moving, we couldn't help but be worried about him when he was out of the house. My mom thought it might be a good idea for him to have a way to contact us and get medical assistance in case of an emergency. So, mom suggested that Grandpa start carrying a cell phone.

He was totally against the idea. For starters, he didn't want to pay for it. He thought of it as something unnecessary and too expensive. Secondly, he didn't like the idea of having a means for anyone to find him at any given time.

Grandpa

There's no one I like that much that I need to have a phone so I can talk to them all damn day.

Mom

It's not a social thing. It'll be strictly for emergencies.

Grandpa

I don't want it, Donna! I'll be fine.

Also, he was not fond of new technology and thought cell phones were just another way for people to show off.

Grandpa

You people and your phones. All a buncha' big asses! **See "The Grudge"

It took a lot of convincing, and a little bit of guilt from his grandchildren about our concern for his safety, but he to finally agreed to it. So, my mom bought him a Nokia Tracphone. It was prepaid with a limited amount of minutes and Grandpa would only have to use it in case of an emergency.

My grandfather was a little surprised when he first got it. He couldn't believe that something so small would be able to connect him with someone when he was outside the house. Up until that point, the only way he was ever mobile with a phone was when he was using the rotary phone in the garage with the 50 foot cord.

Then he took a good look at the key pad on his Nokia and was immediately concerned.

Grandpa

Donna Marie, have you seen the size of the buttons on this thing?

Mom

Yeah, why?

Grandpa

They're too damn small!

Long story short: Grandpa Tommy had what he referred to as "peasant hands": wide, mitt-like hands with short, thick fingers that he said were inherited from our hard-working family of fishermen back in Italy. I didn't inherit these hands, thankfully.

Anyway...

While he was practicing dialing on his new device, he discovered that one finger would push at least 2 buttons at a time and screw everything up.

Grandpa

Let's hope I never have to use this friggin' thing. I'll end up callin' Guam or some shit.

Luckily, he never had to use it for any health-related situations. However, it seemed to come in handy for him to ask the occasional question when he was in a grocery store and he was unsure of something he had to buy; or when he was in a pharmacy and wasn't sure of the name of a medication he needed.

The first time he used his phone was a bit of a shit show, to put it mildly.

It began with our phone ringing. Mom answered. She heard my grandfather's muffled voice on the other end, and he was completely oblivious to the fact that he had placed a call.

Grandpa

This g-ddamn thing...sonnovabitch...

Mom

Dad?

Grandpa

I don't understand... **beep, beep** ...why they made these friggin' buttons so damn small... **beeeeeeeep** ...damn sausage fingers...

Mom

Dad?! Can you hear me?

Grandpa

This friggin' thing... **beeeep, booop-beeep** ...thank God I'm not droppin' dead over here.

Mom

DAD!

Grandpa

**click**

Mom was concerned. She called him back but he didn't answer. The phone finally rang again about 15 minutes later. Once gain, Grandpa Tommy had no idea that he successfully dialed the number.

Mom

Dad? Is that you?

Grandpa

Excuse me, Miss? Miss! Could you help me dial this thing? (pause) Old bitch. **beeeeeep** I don't understand...lemme see here...ugh.... **beeeeeeep, beeeep-boooop click**.

Apparently "Miss" refused to help him and he hung up the phone. Another 20 minutes went by as my mother's nerves were rattled even more waiting for a call back. By that point, she spoke to my grandmother who then slipped into her own hysterical fit and was completely unhelpful. Within that twenty minute span of time, Grandma had assumed he was in a car accident, robbed at gun point, unconscious in a parking lot, or dead in a ditch.

When the phone rang the third time, my mom picked up the phone practically screaming.

Mom

Hello?! Dad?!

Grandpa

Donna?

Mom

Yeah, Dad, it's me! What's going on?!

Grandpa

Donna Marie?!

Mom

I'm here!

Grandpa

Sonnovabitch...this damn thing...lemme see... **beep, beep** now why can't I make this damn call?! **click**

Dad, who was un-phased by the goings on of that Saturday afternoon, tried to assure the hysterical females in the house that Grandpa was probably fine, just confused about how to use the phone. He also pointed out that Grandpa's hearing wasn't that great anymore so he may not have been hearing my mother's yelling. Mom would not accept this explanation, so Dad agreed to go driving around the neighborhood and scope out all the Grandpa Tommy Hot Spots.

After about 25 minutes of cruising around, my father saw Grandpa's car in the Stop 'n Shop parking lot. He pulled into the spot next to Grandpa and waited. Eventually, Grandpa exited the store looking more pissed off than usual and holding a bag of cherries. He was shocked when he found my dad waiting for him by the car.

Grandpa

What the hell are you doin' here?

Dad

Donna's at home losing her mind because she didn't know what was going on with you.

Grandpa

I tried calling her with this damn phone but it wouldn't work! I even tried asking some old bag in CVS to help me and she wouldn't! Can you believe that?

Dad

The phone works, Dad. You called the house three times! You just couldn't hear Donna when she was talking.

Grandpa

It worked?!

Dad

Yeah!

Grandpa

Well, ain't that some shit!

Dad

What was wrong anyway?

Here's the kicker...

Grandpa

I couldn't remember where the cherries were on sale. I'll see you at home.

Eventually, he learned how to dial the phone using his pinky and that eliminated most of the problems.

Ultimately, the tracphone was more trouble than it was worth, especially seeing as how he left it on top of his Lincoln, drove around with it for a while, and then ran it over with the car.